Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize