Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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