my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
