You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
