His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
being pregnant is like rehab
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
