He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
