Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
