Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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