if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
