so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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