she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
