The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
