I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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