mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
