Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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