I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
