still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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