OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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