Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
