i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
