my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize