Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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