Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
