it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
