"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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