oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
