goodnight i made you a song goodbye
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
