It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I feel great
I just peed on a car
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
