i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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