I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
