i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
