i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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