Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
