I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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