respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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