im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
My ATM looks so different sober.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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