I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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