Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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