My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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