there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
