That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
