Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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