how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
