I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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