Is it normal to miss your booty call?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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