3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Randomize
