The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize