im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
