True but thats because hes a fetus.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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