i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
