thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
