You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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