New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
My liver just had a heart attack.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
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