and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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