all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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