god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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