i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
