i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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