Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
