there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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