Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
