Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
