Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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