First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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