8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
