Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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