so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize